Last few days, i had a heat quarrel with Andy, and i began to question, "God, You did not keep Your promises to me". i felt my relationship with Andy has come to a stage that we are just 2 person living under one roof. We seldom talk heart to heart anymore, and we are not close at all. Perhaps, i've been nelecting him because of my workload. I spend most of my time in my office, which only left me very little time in the night. When i reach home every night, he is already in a doze off mode, or already slept.
While tidying up some of the things in the wardrobe, i found out that Andy had hidden a lot of things from me. And, he is not walking right with God anymore. Though he still "faithfully" attending church service, cell group and serving the ministry, but his relationship is God is so distant. I no longer feel secure nor trust him anymore. Perhaps my expectation towards him as a husband and as a Christian is high, but i think after attending so many bible studies and services in the church, our spiritual life should reach to a certain level.
To me, my emotions are very affected by what he've done...i can't really describe my hurts, but it's like a sword pierced into my heart...which i felt so hurt and pain. I've a kind of being betrayed by someone I loved, and throughout knowing the whole truth, i almost lost conscious as my whole body went through the intense pains. The pains was not physical, but mentally...My head and heart were so pain till i thought that i would die. I've never experienced such pains before, and my whole world turned into darkness.
When i reached home in late night after my company function, i had a long talk with Andy, and we reached an agreement that we would seek for marriage counselling. I know that i am also in the wrong because i've never been a good wife, an understanding wife who would be sensitive to him. I've been so focus in my work that i lost balance in my entire life. I wanted to quit my job but i can't as i've no money. I've thought of selling my car, but i will lose a lot of money, and this car is a love gift from my father which pains me to make the car go through all this, and i think it will hurt my father too.
I feel very negative towards everything now and i started to harbour the hatred feelings towards my ex-cgl. I've shared and wanted him to help in my marriage, but he did not lend a helping hand. I know that i should not blame him, because things may still happened even after he stepped in, but in my heart, i would feel so much bitterness if he made his efforts to help. But Pst Kong did mentioned that we shoud not build our altar on others, but ourselves...but the thoughts just ran into my mind. I knw that no matter what, i could not blame people around me, but only myself. I feel that I'm far from God now...God no longer love me as His love will not put me through such tribulations. I find hard to seek Him because i feel that He no longer cares. I feel like going back to my oldself again...who cares even i hurt my own body...hahaha! i just do what i feel like doing...don't care anymore....
(all these are thoughts that are filled in my mind now, can't say i will execute or not....it depends on how my walk with God from now on...)
