The Pain is back

I've been having insomnia for the past one week, just couldn't sleep. I remembered one of my friends told me about her insomnia problem, and i told her i don't have the 'luxury' of not sleeping as i've only the most 6 hrs of sleep per day due to my heavy work schedule.
After the recent incident with Andy, i've been feeling very down. In fact, I told God that I can't endure any longer. Going through disappointment over and over again, i find that my heart is getting very tired, and it affects me emotionally. Everyday, i don't feel like going home, and have the thought of going drinking again. I feel like torturing myself once again. The chain seems to be back once again...I failed again. God, i did try my best to accept Andy, but time after time, the disappointment that Andy caused had made my heart so pain, so hurt which i can't describe in words. I want to call a friend, but i feel that i've no one to call, and i don't want to talk at all.
What is life to me now? Soaking in my tears and pains..God, can you let me go?

Suppression of emotions

While reading the book on "victory over the Darkness" by Neil T. Anderson, i realised that i've been suppressing myself towards my ex-cgl for not handling my issues well. I always tell God that i'll forgive and let go, but as i read on, i realised i did not. In the book, it mentioned that Suppression is a conscious denial of feeling. So, i've learnt to ignore my feelings and chose not to deal with it.
I seem to lose the battle each time when my emotions about what my cgl shd have at least done.
I never thought that i need emotional healings, but i have to admit that each time when i see him, it will keep reminding me of the past. Though i can still pretend that nothing ever happen, and talk to him as usual, but i know deep inside my heart, it's a pain. I did pray to God that i'll forgive him, and he did apologise for not doing his part to help us, but i still could not let go. And i know that if i forgive men for their transgressions, my Heavenly Father will also forgive me. But if i don't forgive men, then my Heavenly Father will not forgive my transgressions. (Matt 6:14,15) We must base our relationships with others on the same criteria on which God bases His relationship with us: love, acceptance and forgiveness. (Matt 18:21-35)
God, do you still love me for not able to let go the past hurts? I keep asking myself this question as it seems that i never break free from this issue.

Jesus for All Minds

As i was searching a song for worship, i came across this video taken from our church.
It was performed by our JAMS church:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=encoq6QYuM8
I was really very touched on how Jesus love them despite of their conditions, and how Jesus gave them confidence and hope through His love. I saw how one of them played the keyboard so well, and how one of them spelled the words so well. Though i know it's through some preparation, but i am still very touched because their hearts are so true and sincere when they performed. I cried when i watched this video clip because i am touched that how they shine for Jesus. I feel myself inferior as i compared to them, and i think i must learn my guitar well this yr, and also to excel myself in every area so that I can also shine for Jesus!
"Lord, I am so glad that You love us so much despite of who we are. You do not despise us when we did not meet up to your expectation. You are proud of every of your creation, and did not say You made a mistake when we are not as perfect as what You want us to be. In times, when we are rebellious and turn ourselves against You, You are still our faithful God, waiting for us to repent and return to You once again. God, no amount of words can express Your love towards us, and Your greatness, and what we can do to honour You is to walk righteousness in your ways, and be willing to serve You more. God, thank you so much for everything You have done in my life.Amen"

Walked out of the dark valley

I'm walking out of the valley once again! PTL! I believe Dr AR Bernard's message last 2 weeks had once again restored my faith with God. I has been struggling for the past one yr plus, coping in Chinese svc and cg, and deep in my hurt, i was drifting away from God becos i feel that His presence in my life has become dim. Perhaps it was also due to my inconsistent prayer life because of my hectic work schedule.
However, i made a decision to seek God early morning daily, and i felt that He is back to my life, I feel touch when i sing the worship songs, and I feel His goodness when i sing the praise songs. When i pray, i feel that He is there to listen and advice. What an awesome God we serve!
I feel that God wants me to do more for Him this year, and my cgl challenged me to go for SOT this Apr! I told her that i may consider to do so next yr or so, but she wanted me to pray about it..Till now, I've no answer yet.
I've too much commitment in hand, and i can't leave my job when no one's around. However, i did thought of someone who can take over my job if i left the service for my SOT. It's important as i can't just leave and walk out, this is simply very irresponsible. I shall want to ensure that all my work are being hand over properly...hm...m, sounds like i'm going this year....but deep in my heart, i asked myself, am I qualified to go for SOT? I'm a shy person, not of much guts actually, can i really take up this challenge?