i heard a word from God.....

While attending the church service last Saturday, the Holy Spirit in me spoke to me about my walk with God. I've been neglecting God due to busy working on my assignments. The voice spoke to me that i've not spending time with Him!
Indeed, for the past one month, my prayers had reduced and my heart is so in to complete all my 3 assignments by month end. I've been using my own strength, my wisdom and placing the heavy burdens on myself. This is the weakness that i've. When i faced with stress, i always use my own strength instead of God's strength.

This morning, while reading the daily bread, there's this verse written:
"Your Word was to me the joy and rejoicing of my heart." - Jer 15:16

Reading God's words always bring forth relevations and delight. God is so full of wisdom, and he is a God of humor. Sometimes after my prayers, i feel my heart delights, i can smile even walking on the street to think of His greatness! haha...

Self-reflection on my "tough" day

Yesterday was a very tough day for me...i was being scolded by my cell group leader. I was supposed to celebrate birthday for one of my cell group sister after the mass cell group meeting at Riverwalk. Taking into assumption that we would be celebrating outside the Conference Room, i did not thought of any others. However, i realised that they wanted to celebrate in the Conference Room, and i was very confused with the instructions given here nor there. It ended up being quite an awkward situation and i was reprimanded by the cgl.

Taking into reflections of what happened, i learnt a few things:
1. Never take into assumptions of anything, always ask when in doubts.
2. It's good to see through arrangements ourselves, rather than having the thoughts that someone will take control.
3. Take authority of tasks and responsibilities given to you.
4. Learn to lead rather than to be led.
5. Accept punishments when things go wrong.

The only thing that i am glad is that i never try to find excuse for my mistakes. Basically, i think that is the only good point that i have. Anyway, i take it positively and a good learning journey for me as my Christian walk.

Ongoing studies

My Exams in Aug was over, and i attained a Grade 'B' for both. I was expecting a 'A' for one of the modules as it was a pretty easy paper. However, did not manage to make it. Of course, i felt disappointed but got over it and currently preparing for my 3 assignments to be submitted in end Oct. Wow! Only a 3 weeks grace period!

I'm thinking whether should i continue my Masters after my Graduate Diploma, or should i go for Bachelors for the Human Capital Management in UniSim. I find that in Singapore, a local uni cert is still more recognized that any other overseas uni. I've taken my Bachelor of Science in Computing by distant studies, and it seems that government sector don't recognized it at all!

Anyway, i still have 6 more months to think of my education advancement, and right now, i should be more worry about my assignments.....

Exams coming

Wow! It has been quite some time that i did not write on my blog. So many things happened all these while, and my emotions shot up and down. It's so hard to breath because of so much commitments that i have. Basically, i just started my Graduate Diploma 3 months back, and having exams in 2 weeks' time! After that, 3 more modules before i graduate.

I met some very good friend during my studies and after the group assignments, we are real good friends! Thank God for bringing good people around me, and we've made appointments to study for exams. Seems back to school times....haha!

Work life is up and down as i met some setups, must admit that it is pain to go through all these, but i know that's part and parcel of life. I don't blame God as i know God has the best for me, and i'm ready to move on and even to move out of my work place. Perhaps when my heart is more calm, i'll share more about the whole incident.

Now, just focus on exams....and aim for Distinctions! haha!

Recovering

A whole of one month, I've been dealing with my depression. I'm glad that i am beginning to get out of it, and i'm believing for a breakthrough. Life has not been easy, especially my marriage issues. It takes me a lot of courage to seek my cgl's help. I've lost my trust in cgl since the last incident with my ex-cgl, and to open up to talk to cgl takes lots of courage and faith. I'm glad that she is very mature when she is handling our case. Now i believe wat my friend said about the spiritual maturity level. Though she was young, but she knows how to handle issues quite well, and swift in everything, no procrastination. I'm glad that she asked the zs to speak to Andy as it's better for man to talk to man.
Overall, i'm recovering each day, and praying hard for my life to be transformed totally, and to forgive and forget the past.

Darkness

Last few days, i had a heat quarrel with Andy, and i began to question, "God, You did not keep Your promises to me". i felt my relationship with Andy has come to a stage that we are just 2 person living under one roof. We seldom talk heart to heart anymore, and we are not close at all. Perhaps, i've been nelecting him because of my workload. I spend most of my time in my office, which only left me very little time in the night. When i reach home every night, he is already in a doze off mode, or already slept.
While tidying up some of the things in the wardrobe, i found out that Andy had hidden a lot of things from me. And, he is not walking right with God anymore. Though he still "faithfully" attending church service, cell group and serving the ministry, but his relationship is God is so distant. I no longer feel secure nor trust him anymore. Perhaps my expectation towards him as a husband and as a Christian is high, but i think after attending so many bible studies and services in the church, our spiritual life should reach to a certain level.
To me, my emotions are very affected by what he've done...i can't really describe my hurts, but it's like a sword pierced into my heart...which i felt so hurt and pain. I've a kind of being betrayed by someone I loved, and throughout knowing the whole truth, i almost lost conscious as my whole body went through the intense pains. The pains was not physical, but mentally...My head and heart were so pain till i thought that i would die. I've never experienced such pains before, and my whole world turned into darkness.
When i reached home in late night after my company function, i had a long talk with Andy, and we reached an agreement that we would seek for marriage counselling. I know that i am also in the wrong because i've never been a good wife, an understanding wife who would be sensitive to him. I've been so focus in my work that i lost balance in my entire life. I wanted to quit my job but i can't as i've no money. I've thought of selling my car, but i will lose a lot of money, and this car is a love gift from my father which pains me to make the car go through all this, and i think it will hurt my father too.
I feel very negative towards everything now and i started to harbour the hatred feelings towards my ex-cgl. I've shared and wanted him to help in my marriage, but he did not lend a helping hand. I know that i should not blame him, because things may still happened even after he stepped in, but in my heart, i would feel so much bitterness if he made his efforts to help. But Pst Kong did mentioned that we shoud not build our altar on others, but ourselves...but the thoughts just ran into my mind. I knw that no matter what, i could not blame people around me, but only myself. I feel that I'm far from God now...God no longer love me as His love will not put me through such tribulations. I find hard to seek Him because i feel that He no longer cares. I feel like going back to my oldself again...who cares even i hurt my own body...hahaha! i just do what i feel like doing...don't care anymore....
(all these are thoughts that are filled in my mind now, can't say i will execute or not....it depends on how my walk with God from now on...)

The Pain is back

I've been having insomnia for the past one week, just couldn't sleep. I remembered one of my friends told me about her insomnia problem, and i told her i don't have the 'luxury' of not sleeping as i've only the most 6 hrs of sleep per day due to my heavy work schedule.
After the recent incident with Andy, i've been feeling very down. In fact, I told God that I can't endure any longer. Going through disappointment over and over again, i find that my heart is getting very tired, and it affects me emotionally. Everyday, i don't feel like going home, and have the thought of going drinking again. I feel like torturing myself once again. The chain seems to be back once again...I failed again. God, i did try my best to accept Andy, but time after time, the disappointment that Andy caused had made my heart so pain, so hurt which i can't describe in words. I want to call a friend, but i feel that i've no one to call, and i don't want to talk at all.
What is life to me now? Soaking in my tears and pains..God, can you let me go?